Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I think it's probably pointless to try and go back over everything that's happened since I last posted, because I am the world's worst blogger at this point. It's been a hot minute and a half since I've actually posted, though I think about it often. This semester has just been super busy - I don't know what I was thinking! Haha.
I was at a conference this weekend, my very first one! It was pretty exciting, and incredibly educational. I got to go over all of this counseling stuff, I won a book AND a neck massager thing.. The last one is a bit strange, but I gave it to Mr. A since he's into that kind'a stuff.
I learned how to 'tap' for health... Pretty interesting stuff, and I feel the need to delve deeper. And no, not tap dancing (though that'd be something else, wouldn't it?), but tapping on the meridians of the body. You start with, "Even though I have this [insert emotion or problem here], I deeply and completely accept myself" and as you tap each point after, you say something like, "This anger" or you can start to talk through your issues, etc. Like I said, very interesting, but it remains to be seen if it works (for me).
This weight loss thing, I seem to have no motivation for. I'm tired. All of the time. Non-stop. And I swear, breast feeding might be good for SOME women to lose weight, but not me - it actually has started a sugar addiction that I'm hating hardcore right now. But everything is a work in progress. I think the issue for me lately is that I tend to start out ball-to-the-wall and I get burnt out within two days.
"You can't have this" and "You have to do ALL of that" or "You CAN'T mess up"... Really, how does that help anybody?
So, I'm starting slow. Again. I know that won't yield the fastest results. I know that not getting the fastest results will upset me. But I think that it's better that way to keep me on this path of better health for good. Changing the habits instead of dieting will ultimately keep me healthy. That doesn't mean I won't stumble, it just means that I'm hoping I won't fall, and if I do, it'll be easier to pick myself back up.
Anyway, so Day Zero - weigh-in, 309.9lbs. Yup. That much. Here we go again, indeed.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
But, I am trying. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but I do what I can, when I can, to achieve what I know to be necessary.
I started up my Fall classes yesterday, and so far, my fears haven't necessarily been founded, but we've essentially only explored our syllabus and the teacher's expectations. I still have three more classes to go to and meet the teachers to see what they want from my time, and how they will teach me. I am still nervous because regardless of how easy the first week is going so far, I will still have 6 classes, 6 work loads, to contend with. On top of that, I am still very much a mother, first and foremost, and I am concerned that my tension over certain weeks will affect my daughter.
But I'm getting better at multitasking, to some extent.
I think that classes will help me build the routine I've been seeking. My motivation to do much beyond what I'm obligated to do has been sadly lacking - I haven't even been truly putting effort into my therapy, which I so desperately need. I don't think I'm getting what I actually do require out of it, though. I like my therapist, but... Eh. I'm not sure his style is for me. I'm working on it, though.
One way I think classes will help is that for 3 of them, I'm walking to and from class because I live so close. It's a nice little 15 minute walk to and from (if I take my time - last night it was like 13 minutes), so I'll get some exercise in. And I plan to use the gym on the days that I'm on campus, so that's 4 days of working out - in a gym, and in nature. It's kind of a win-win situation, in my opinion, because I'll be getting out more, getting active - more so than the sporadic hikes I've been going on with Adam, though those are nice and quite energizing. They also make me feel like an absolute GODDESS. A warrior goddess. Victory is mine! Haha.
Anyways. last weight I remember was like 295.9 or something. I'll re-weigh and take measurements and get pictures soon. I'm serious about this now - especially since I've got this abnormal psych class going on, and I think the teacher is going to have us go digging around in our brains. Maybe I can figure some stuff out - I think it'll be fun.
Also, while I intend to keep posting pictures and whatnot, I think that it'll be best to start going through and eradicating names so I can alter my internet identity - just thinking of the future and my jobs, etc. From now on, I'm going to stick with just A. for me, Mr. A for the hubs, and L for my tiny heart. WHO IS TURNING ONE SUNDAY!! Holy crap. Can you believe it's been a year? Yeah, no, me either.
Have a great day, darlings. =)
Friday, June 14, 2013
How arrogant I am for expecting parenthood to be easier than what it is for me. Don't get me wrong, the love I feel for my daughter is a giant, burning ball of emotion that I feel in my chest every time I look at her (even when I'm annoyed), but that does not mean that I find it to be easy at all, and sometimes its all I can do to wait for naptime and bedtime. There are days where I feel it makes me a less than stellar parent, like today, but there are days when I objectively study my daughter, and I can see how happy she is, how she wants for very little, and how unconditional her love truly is. She forgives so easily - I wish it were so easy for her mama.
There are so many things I'd love to address, but my time is short, and my patience even shorter. We're currently without internet, but I was lucky enough to find a Blogger app on my phone so that I can stay current. Yay! How exciting. As exciting as typing posts on a phone can be, anyhow. Heh.
Once I get the opportunity, I plan to look back over my old posts and start eradication of mentions of my actual name. My internet identity is becoming a concern the closer I get to being a college graduate, especially with the field that I'm in, so I'd prefer to not have anything ruin a potentially wonderful job, not my stories or my struggles. That, my friends, would be shitty.
Second, L. is going to be one soon. I can hardly believe it, and I'm both sad and excited. I'm starting the process a bit belatedly of planning her party. I don't think it'll be anything outlandish, as I know she won't remember it, but I hope it will be a fun, warm gathering of amazing, supportive people. I have no doubt that it should be good, especially with L. taking such an interest in other children now.
Last, as per usual, my weight issues plague me. I'm starting to wonder if they may be tied in with my newish bipolar diagnosis. I don't remember which type, I'll have to ask, but I need to do more research, time permitting.
I have a few goals this week. Start h20 hydration again. Get all of my tiny family library cards. Make better choices, financially and for my physical wellbeing. There are more, but my time is slowly draining, and bedtime for L. is past due.
Oh, and happy anniversary, Mr. A. I know we've been having our issues, obviously, but I cannot regret the marriage that helped me create such beautiful, perfect life. To better days ahead, and a new era in our relationship.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Uhm. Let's see. Mr. A is on board with cutting our shit out when I return home, so having that additional support will be nice, especially since he was a bit resistant before. He said today that he wants to cut out soda, and I actually have suggested that before, so to hear it was nice - I don't drink it very often, especially since I was pregnant with L. My taste for it kind of went out the window, so my only real weaknesses as far as calories in my liquid go are sweet tea and juice. Task, tsk, I know. I've also been craving sweets something fierce, but I'm thinking that might be a combination of PMS and lack of sleep. It's hard to tell, really.
Other than all of that, I don't remember what I was going to write, so I think I might leave it at that before I babble on about nothing.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
In any case, I had all intentions to spell out my big, grand plan today for when I get back home (which will be sometime within the next two weeks, yay!), but I'm too tired. The fact that I'm tired after I took two naps while L slept is ridiculous, but I can't help but not care - because it's summer! I have no real obligations right now to stay up late busting bottom on homework, and that is amaaazing. Anyways, I have a few basic goals I can spell out, because, well, why not?
1. Hydrate. I SUCK at drinking anything, let alone water. According to this handy chart I'm about to post, based on my weight, I'm supposed to drink about the equivalent of 15-16 cups of water daily. Yeah. I hit about half of that, at the required 8 cups these days, which is more than I was before, but still. It's a work in progress, so it's obviously an on-going goal.
2. Move it. I'm so, so lazy these days. I move more because I have to chase L a lot, but seriously, where has my motivation to get out and do stuff gone? I think it'll be easier once I get home because there will be absolutely no excuse. There's a trail right down from my new apartment, and it's gorgeous and nature-y, and I finally got a good baby-carrier, so I can plop L on my back (or front) and just go, go, go. I also have a lot of active mama friends back home and they've been getting out and doing stuff since summer started. Jeaaalous! Besides, I want to go geocaching. I've been interested for a while, but haven't really had the balls to get out and start.
3. If it has a drive-thru, boycott that shiz. I have a friend from high school who, admirably, has decided to boycott all fast food. He hasn't eaten out at a fast food restaurant in three years now, though he still will go to Subway or a sit-down restaurant. The essential idea is that if you can walk in to it, that's fine, 'cause you have to get out of the car - and you have to think about it. And, y'know, be dressed. This will also save on money, which we have a low supply of these days. And, in lieu of this goal...
4. Eat healthier. Duh, right? But now that we're doing BLW (baby-led weaning) with L, it seems to be a rather good idea to start pushing veggies and fruits onto ourselves and into our meals, and to cook at home. It's a lot harder, for me, to care about what I'm shoving in my face if it tastes good, but my baby girl? She deserves the best, does she not? So I'm looking into some recipes to start prepping foods for her that she can eat herself (she is seriously not a big fan at all of being fed baby purees anymore - it's all about being able to feed herself!), and in doing that, I can also prep us foods, as well. She'll also generally eat what we eat, as long as I deem it baby friendly and she doesn't have any reactions for it. I'm gonna start doing what I did before L was born and prepping stuff to go in the freezer for during the week. I don't have a lot of room in our new apartment, so I'll just do it by week, but it'll help to just go shopping once a week for the week and have stuff prepped, especially when this new semester starts.
So, there are the bare bones of my goals. I'm not speeding through things this time, I'm essentially just trying to live life and get better in numerous ways. I'm also trying to get up the courage to embark on some new spiritual goals, as well, and I think that perhaps that might help bring me the peace that I'm craving as I learn new ways to tailor my mentality. Negativity just isn't cutting it for me anymore, and I'm gonna start doing activations, begin re-mapping how I think.
Anyway, that's all I've got for today. I want to get into bed early so when L wakes up, I can be a bit more refreshed.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
It's been quite a while.
I won't lie - I have been busy, but not that busy. I just haven't made time to come around because when I get time, I get laaazy. Much of my days are filled with my little L growing and growing, and it. is. incredible. There are many days where my desire to run away and be lazy in peace and do nothing do consume me, and I feel incredibly guilty on those days because I feel like maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom, but on the other days, when I enjoy her so much, and she's climbing on me and giggling with me and smiling at me, I know - I know that I am a good mama, and I am a good enough mama for her. I am the best that I can be, right now, and I make strides to grow better daily, tiny bits by tiny bits.
Things have been strained within my household since January. There have been many, many, many days where I've wanted to pack myself and L up and leave to make things work on our own, but it is not that simple, and I am a stubborn woman. For those of you who don't remember (and I probably wouldn't, either - it's been so long since I've written), I found out that Mr. A was having an affair. Well. To be honest, several affairs. Underneath discovering that, I also found out that he had a serious problem, things that he definitely needs therapy to fix. Compulsive lying, impulse control, dangerously low self-esteem and self-regard, depression... It basically all lead to him seeking others outside of the marriage that knew nothing about him, and being able to create a world in which he could be whoever he wanted - a person he wants to be, but doesn't know how to, I guess. Anything I say will sound as if I'm making excuses for him, and I've exhausted myself trying to explain to well-meaning friends that I do see his issue and that he is trying. He IS seeking help. He IS falling down a lot. But, at least he's trying.
And, like I said. I'm stubborn.
I don't take marriage lightly, by any means, and so despite his painful doings against me (and, while many don't share this opinion of infidelity, his grievances against our child), I am trying my best to make things work. I do believe that, considering his own state of mental health, we should be separated while he figures things out because when he does fall, it does tend to push me away, but finances don't allow that. I'm a full-time student, and a full-time mama, and I don't want to give up even more time with my daughter because I need to work in order to support us, on top of going to classes, as well. We're doing the best we can with what we've got, and I can say that he is making progress. I know things won't change overnight, though I'd love them to. It would make it significantly easier on me, but c'est la vie.
Anyway, once classes ended - and this was my worst semester yet, thanks to me giving in to the multitude of stress I've been under - I decided to leave West Virginia and spend some time down in Louisiana with Mr. A's family and just have quality time with my daughter as her mother, and not as a stressed out, crazy college student trying to cope with too much. It's been eventful, and eye-opening in many ways. For one, I don't like living outside of my comfort zone. I really enjoy having space that is mine and not feeling as if I'm infringing on others' space - though my in-laws have been nothing but amazingly courteous and generous. I'm just a big fan of 'home', you know?
I also have discovered that my husband did a lot more than I gave him credit for when it came to L. He would do bath times in the evening so I could take a breather. He would feed her so that I could eat meals warm once in a while. And he was also more supportive than I ever gave him credit for. I told him I wanted to breastfeed, no matter what - and he supported me through all of the hardships, determination, and tears. I told him I wanted to cloth diaper, and he went along with it. I don't want to vaccinate (any time soon, if ever), and he's cool with that. And I want to home school - and he likes that idea, too. Also, apparently not many men change diapers or wake up at night with their babies - and he's been doing that since day one.
I have many things to be grateful for. A lot of goods that I don't necessarily see when I think the bads outweigh things. It's all a work in progress.
As far as my weight-loss goes and my health and all of that, it's been at a relative stand-still. I got back up to 300lbs exactly, sad enough to say, though I've lost some weight since then. I've been monitoring portions and trying to hydrate better, but I've had a lot of difficulty finding my willpower and my motivation to do much. I always say I want to write in here more, and I have the best intentions to do so, but I'm planning out a new routine that may help with that, so we shall see. No promises, of course, but I will certainly try.
I'll get into more of my plan when I'm on next, but for now, I'll gratify you with L pictures. Enjoy. =)
|L at exactly 9 months|
|Look how big she's grown! <3|